The 30/70 Guidance Rule
Give children a starting push, then make them solve the remaining problem
- Difficulty
- Advanced
- Time to result
- ~ongoing to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 97%
The 30/70 Guidance Rule is Conde's response to raising children who do not face the same scarcity their parents did. The parent supplies roughly 30 percent of what is needed: a starting point, a useful piece, or a push in the right direction. The child remains responsible for figuring out the other 70 percent. The mechanism is controlled incompleteness. Help lowers the barrier enough for the child to engage, while the unsolved portion preserves ownership, problem-solving, and the possibility of failure. Conde argues that love should not mean engineering constant success; in safe contexts, allowing a child to fail creates learning and exposes whether effort is missing. The percentages are a memorable boundary rather than a measured formula, prompting the adult to guide without taking over.
Origin
Rafa J. Conde shared the rule when Joe Shalaby asked how successful parents can teach a warrior spirit to children born into abundance.
Core principles
- 01Support should create momentum without removing ownership
- 02Children need room to solve problems independently
- 03Failure can teach what protection cannot
- 04Struggle develops resilience when it is bounded and purposeful
How to run it
- 1
Choose a bounded challenge
Select an age-appropriate problem that matters but can be attempted without serious risk.
Pro tip Make success observable so the child knows what they are trying to accomplish.
Watch out Do not use avoidable danger or deprivation as a character-building exercise.
- 2
Give the first 30 percent
Provide a starting resource, explanation, or push that lets the learner begin.
Pro tip Offer the smallest piece that creates movement.
- 3
Return ownership
State that the learner must figure out the remaining 70 percent and let them choose their approach.
Pro tip Ask what they plan to try before supplying another answer.
Watch out Repeatedly stepping in turns nominal independence into adult-led execution.
- 4
Permit safe failure
Allow the attempt to produce an uncomfortable result when the consequences are recoverable.
Pro tip Separate emotional support from rescuing the task.
- 5
Extract the lesson
After the attempt, review what worked, where effort or judgment failed, and what the learner will do differently next time.
Pro tip Let the learner describe the lesson before adding your own view.
Watch out Failure without reflection may produce frustration rather than learning.
In the wild
Conde says he gives his sons about 30 percent and requires them to figure out the other 70 percent. He still gives them a push because he wants them to succeed, but he also allows failure because he believes that is how they learn.
→ The children receive support while retaining responsibility for solving the challenge.
Common mistakes
Completing the remaining 70 percent
Providing every answer removes the independent problem-solving the rule is designed to create.
Confusing struggle with neglect
The rule applies to safe, bounded learning situations and does not justify withholding necessary protection or care.
Is it for you?
Best for
It is best for parents or mentors assigning age-appropriate challenges where the learner can safely struggle and recover.
Not ideal for
It is not ideal for emergencies, unsafe situations, or tasks where withholding help could cause serious harm.
From the transcript
“I believe you have to build a strategic structure in your home. You got to have a framework”
“I'm going to give you you know maybe 30% you're going to have to figure the other 70% out yourself.”
“out of love sometimes you have want them to fail too because that's the only way that they're going to learn.”
From the episode
From Wall Street to Warrior ft. Rafa J. Conde (Man of War)
Rafa J. Conde